The new year (and all that)

Well it's New Year's Eve, and that means that a new year will soon be upon us. And that means that resolutions for the new year are being made. And that means that I am annoyed. Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against people wanting to better themselves, or to have new experiences or outlooks or anything like that. I guess what annoys me about new year resolutions is that, well, is that I make them. I've never been one to make an actual list on a piece of paper, but I do carry around a lot of mental notes. 'In the new year I'm going to do this and this and this, and not do that or that or that, and I'm going to be always happy and never sad'...you get the idea.

I put so much - I guess hope is the word - into the new year, and how everything is going to be a million times better. And this is what annoys me. There is nothing special about tonight. A made up calendar is telling me it's time to go back to writing 'January' instead of 'December' and to put a 6 after the 200 rather than a 5. Wow. Big deal.

Why do I feel so much hope just for this one night? I should feel like this all the time. Every single day should be a time for us to think about how we are going to change our lives and make the World a better place. So, I won't be making any resolutions for the new year. What I will be trying to do is to make a resolution every single day.

1/2 and 1/2?

I thought up this post in the early hours one morning when I couldn't sleep, so it may not make much sense. And yes, I'm bored so I thought I may aswell post it.

This was brought up in a conversation a couple of days ago, and it got me thinking about the perfect balance in relationships. 'Opposites attract' - while this is certainly true in the world of magnetism, I'm not so sure it holds strength in other areas. I think if two people are so different that they are opposite to each other, then the outcome is going to be a relationship where both the people feel, well I guess lonely is the word. I think that each person wouldn't really appreciate the other person, not through lack of trying, but just because of the gap between them.

On the other hand, if two people are exactly the same this can be just as bad. Yeah there's someone there to answer you when you talk, but you still feel lonely. There may aswell be no one there for the good it does either of you. I think, for me at least, the perfect mix is somewhere in the middle.

Both sides are the same shape - in that respect they are exactly identical, however, they are opposite colours yet they fit together perfectly to make a whole. And I think that's what a good relationship is, something that is a whole, but made up of two very easily identified parts.

Christmas

Usual jazz, click for a larger version.

Shared this around Myspace a couple of days ago, thought I would share it here aswell.

Thanks for taking the time to read my thoughts and rants etc over the past however many months it's been. Hope you can stand another year ;)

Merry Christmas.

Coincidence and skunk Stella.

I always think it's really interesting how coincidence works. Out of all the possibilities in the world, sometimes things just seem to come together. I'm sure that all these variables must sometimes have a helping hand to bring them to a favorable solution. Take for example the other night. Myself and Phill had planned a night out in Halifax trying a new metal bar called The Cooler. I headed up to Phill's and had a beer whilst listening to Placebo and Evergreen Terrace (just to get into a festive kinda mood). We get a taxi into town, and decide to head into the nearby Goose for a swift couple.

Now, if you have ever smoked, tasted or smelt skunk or been in the vicinity of anyone with a joint you will know the fairly pungent smell of the stuff. This is exactly what my beer tasted like; a taste test from Phill confirmed this.

The skunk Stella

After, we head over to The Cooler, walk in, and after about 3 minutes decide that it isn't very good. What now? Can always go to the townie club just up the road. The bouncers see us coming though 'Sorry lads, you won't get in with that footwear'. Erm, should we try another club we'd heard about in Huddersfield? Why not...ok another taxi ride into another town. We find the club, and it's pretty nice inside. The only problem is everyone seems to know everyone else, and we are sticking out like sore thumbs until I see a lad I recognize. I go over to say hello and to check it is who I think it is. Phill comes over and has found Jodie (who is one of our friend's girlfriend).

I think it's odd that we should all meet up like that. What are the chances of all 4 of us being in the same place at the same time? And even so, what are the chances of seeing each other? I really like it when things just work out.

Inside the Camel Club...Phill: 'Mate, that's skunk Stella' Pruv: *Shocked*


Inside the Camel Club 2...Phill, Jodie, Pruv

Unique shops and incense.

I only got a couple of inches of my hair, makes it a bit more manageable while still being able to hide behind it, which is a result on both points. After lunch me and Phill headed over to Halifax, after wandering around a bit we were drawn towards GAME...it's not like you didn't already think I was a geek...well, a game that I've wanted since it came out was on special offer, so I am now 20 quid poorer, but a game richer. Only problem is I'm a kid and I have a new toy and I want to play now, but I have my exam tomorrow, and the 'adult' part of me is telling me to get my notes in order etc. I'm not sure whether I'm gonna listen though.

After more wandering around we stumbled upon this really cool little shop in the Piece Hall, I guess you could describe it as a 'goth shop'...I dunno really. What I do know is that they sold amongst other things lots of ornaments of skulls and skeletons, really nicely decorated mirrors and candle holders, incense burners, fantasy swords and axes, and some pretty gorgeous looking gothic stylie dresses and skirts. One other thing that I know is that I love that kinda stuff (apart from the dresses, I think they look better on girls than me ;)) and I also know that when I get my own place I want it to be decorated with one of everything in that little shop.

It makes a nice change to be able to see a shop where the people behind the counter are actually interested in what they are selling, I guess it's a niche market, and I think it's all the better for being so. A lot more friendly than the big corporations.

This past week I've also been starting to think about next year and what I'm going to do. Whether I stay at uni to do my masters or not, sooner or later I'm going to have to step out into that big wide world, and I'm finding this quite a scary idea at the moment. I've started looking for jobs, and there do seem to be a fair few, the only problem being that they are in places such as Gateshead and Surrey, which means moving out, into my own place, on my own, to start a new job, in a brand new city where I know exactly zero people.

But then, I don't want to limit myself to working within 10 miles of my house. I'm young, I have no responsibilities, no girlfriend (ie I'm a waster and a loser) so maybe it's best for me to saunter off round the country for a while. I've not decided yet. But the fact still stands it's scary.

This isn't angsty

It really isn't. Just some quite dull stuff that I'm writing because I want something to do (replace that last sentence with 'because I'm a blog-whore') But I don't care, it's all legal and consenting - which is what really matters.

So, after driving over to uni and sitting for about 45 minutes looking at the game that one of the other groups in my year is making my tutor makes an appearance to read the work I've brought. On a side note, their game is looking pretty sweet - basically it's using the FarCry engine (so lots of nice nice things) and is kinda a sci-fi crossed with a western. It does look really nice, and they seem to be quite far. However it won't be as good as 'Absence'. I hope.

Talked to my tutor about a load of things not just work, she was amazed that 'The Getaway' development team (Team SoHo) photographed something like 40 square kilometers of central London to use as reference in that game...if only the game itself had used a nicer control system...who's a geek?

Also turns out that she lives about 5 miles away from me, which I thought was pretty cool seeing as my uni is about an hour's drive away down the motorway, I guess it really is a small world.

Haircut tomorrow; I usually hate haircuts, mainly because you have to sit in front of a mirror for however long it takes. Usually I just read the small print on the bottles on the table in front of me over and over again. Should be meeting Phill for lunch which will be good, haven't seen him for like a week and a half.

Thursday I have a legal exam about copyright law, IP rights etc which I am quite nervous about. And then on Friday I believe I'm playing pool, playing at the zoo bar, and probably drinking a pint or two. Or three. Or four...you get the idea.

Whisky and Cuban Cigars.

Scotch whisky. Cuban cigars. Smirnoff. Menthol snuff. Friends. Celebration. Running away. Wooden floorboards. An open fire. Sunglasses. A sword. "Can xxx get it like that?" "Xxx has got it like that". And a plastic soldier helmet.




Me >>>> Liam 12:28 Am



Paul 12:58 Am



Tom >>>> Scott 1:00 Am



Conny (and the plastic soldier helmet) 1:01 Am



Liam 10:24 Am

I'm not made of rubber...

and I don't know how often I can bounce back. I tend to make mountains out of mole-hills.
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You can just tell this post is going to be all over the place...ahh well
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Ok, today is Liam's birthday, so happy birthday friend. Paul and Tom are at work until 10:30pm, they are coming and collecting me around 11, getting Conny then heading over to Liams. Gonna get a few 24 packs in, so I'm going to help him celebrate/ drown my sorrows. It's going to be a long long night lol.
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Some lyrics:

Broken hearts are easy to hide.
Broken hearts are easy to ignore.
See, when you break your heart, nothing really breaks (it's just a figure of speech)

I think they are quite hard to hide, scars are easy though
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Some more lyrics:

You'll show up and walk by on the arm of that guy.
And I'll smile and you'll wave we'll pretend it's okay.
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If this stuff didn't happen I guess I would have very little to write about in here, so at least it's good for something :)

Right, vented all I need to vent tonight.

Sorry.

-

So it's time to pick up the shards of another shattered dream. Great. Self loathing is pathetic but when it's what everyone else thinks maybe it's easier to think the same too. God knows you've never been perfect. Count the friends you had three hours ago, and count them again now. You can't blame them for getting out. They shouldn't have to put up with this. So you've wrecked something that was really special to you. Well done. If only you hadn't said anything. See what you need to do is take your feelings and squeeze them into a really tight ball, and then push them really deep inside, and when ever they look like surfacing you need to push ever harder, and when more feelings are added to the ball and it gets bigger and bigger; yeah you're gonna have to push a fuck of a lot harder then.

You were worried about loosing her...well no need to worry anymore eh? Well played. No need to worry about that happening anymore seeing as you just went and wrecked every single fucking thing. Really, well done. Better to push someone away than have her drift away right? At least then it's your fault for being miserable. You're an idiot, you really are. You've read into things - too much - and you've taken things in a way that they were never meant. You've made yourself believe in something that doesn't exist, something that will never exist. You're a fucking idiot. So it's time to put up those walls and close people out, because that way you're not going to imagine things, and you're not going to be hurt when they don't come true.

Hemingway said "Got tight last night....Did knife tricks"

Puzzle objects.

Here we have a pulley, a hatch on some runners, a lead weight, and a bucket/trough. I made all the models and textures over the last 5 days, for the first of Absence's puzzles.

Usual jazz, click the pic below to see a larger version.

DOOM

Went to see DOOM last night. It's not a bad film, there's some nice CG stuff in there. A lot of shooty shooty action. Things being blown up. There's some funny bits too...although I'm not sure if they are meant to be intentionally funny or not. There's a guy cutting his wrist with a big hunting knife too. And as if that wasn't enough, in the event of becoming bored there is a (rather predictively) blonde to look at, who just so happens to be rather easy on the eye (surprise surprise).

Afterwards we meet up with Neil and Jodie who give us a lift to Chob's. We had pizza and Belgian beer. And watched skate films from 7 years ago. Later, we get a lift home with Neil. And that was what I did with the second of December 2005.

To a husband at war

I think we all have our own ways of dealing with pain. Is it better to limit how close you become to someone, to not let them in, to not care about them as much as you want to? Sounds harsh right? But, the closer someone is to you, the more they can hurt you. Not that they would on purpose of course - but sometimes the most hurt is caused without even knowing. So you put up your walls, there's a barred window so you can still communicate with the outside world, but no one can get past those walls, so you're alone and empty. Live your life this way and you will stay this way, but hell, at least you will never be hurt ever again. Or is it better to not build those walls in the first place. You let the people who mean something to you in. You let them get close. Does the happiness that they bring make up for the hurt that you will feel?

Because you will feel it, it's a law of probability, you play with fire, one time you will get burnt. Equally, you let people in, you will be hurt a couple of times. So is it better to accept this risk, and experience the highs, and inevitably the lows, or is it better to build yourself some walls. You won't feel those dizzy highs, but on the same token you won't feel any of those lows.

The lyrics below are from a song called 'To a husband at war' by 'I Hate Myself' - yeah, I listen to them quiet a lot heh. See the thing with letting people in is when they go...I mean...how do you cope with that? It's hopeless. Apparently, this song was written after 'I Hate Myself' read a letter. The letter was from a wife who was writing to her husband, who was fighting in the American Civil War. I don't know how much truth there is behind that, but I think it fits pretty well. '....my room....I mean our room' if that doesn't show the conflict between her knowing that she's alone, yet still hoping and wishing that she isn't then I don't know what does. I hope that wife managed to get her husband back.

To a husband at war by I Hate Myself:

Things are here, and you're over there
and in between: land, sea, everything.
I hope you're warm, and I hope you think of me,
(in Petersburg) and the way things used to be.

Yesterday, a telegram said that you had died,
but I knew and I know that it was a lie.
I tried to laugh but went back to my room and cried
I mean our room. I went back to our room and cried.
Retreat, and come back home.