Everyone makes mistakes.

I've been telling myself that I ****** ***, but you know what, I've just realised that I was wrong. Just this minute. It's pretty crazy. I feel like I've had a weight taken off my shoulders and I've got a massive grin on my face. I know where I want to be going, and it's not the same direction that you're going in. But that's cool.

Katana, Wakisashi and Tanto

Got Phill these for his birthday.



as usual, click for a larger pic.

I went out the other night. I got a free shot, they played Maiden and the Ramones, met up with Jodie who I hadn't seen since before Christmas and a random girl came over and talked to me.

Memories.

Thinking about that night I came down. Listening to Mercury Rev. It was really dark that night but the lights from inside looked really warm, cozy you could say. I can remember really inviting looking red brick. I got so drunk that night. Thankyou for looking after me. You gave me sunglasses and a bracelet. I can see myself standing infront of the mirror in the room acting the fool in the glasses. God I got so drunk. I liked how we sat and talked all through the night till like 7am.

Everything feels quiet and calm, and peaceful, and to be gently flowing.

Trying.

Just stop trying, there's no point in fighting a losing battle. Just give up. I think about how when you were my age you had already had your breakdown. You always seemed so strong, always able to get on with things. We don't talk about that though. I'm going to drink now because it doesn't hurt when you're drunk, you don't even feel it, which can be dangerous cos you can go too far. If there is a too far.

I was thinking about the smell of her room the other day too. Always smelt really nice when you walked in. I miss it.

Happenings.

Well I don't think I will be going on the 'euro trip 2006'. Tom worked out it would cost about £500 in total (£551 for me because of getting a passport). That's pretty cheap for all the places they are going, however, I worked out that it's probably the same cost as living for 2 or 3 months. So I think it's better that I opt to spend that money on living and trying to find a job rather than 2 weeks traveling.

Another point that I thought of the other night was that I don't know if I'm a good flyer or not - having never flown before. The trip involves 6 flights in 14 days...I don't fancy finding out in such a short space of time. If I'm a bad flyer chances are I'd only just recover then it would be off to the airport to do it all again.

I also think I'm not going to stay on to do my masters - although there's an open day about it on Thursday. Basically my dissertation has really made me reconsider things. I used to be able to knock off a piece of extended writing no problems, however, I haven't really had to do that for 3 years, so I've got out of practice, and I've really been struggling with it. I'm not sure I could stand having to do the same all over again. We'll have to see about that though.

Erm...what else....ooooh, Phill's present arrived the other week, and I don't mind saying it's COOL AS FUCK!! Lol, I'll post up a piccy next week (still don't wanna spoil the surprise). Back to work now I think. Strong black coffee please.

Busy

Today's been quite busy. I got up later than I intended, so I had to write a crazy amount on my dissertation in about an hour, helped along by strong coffee - which seems to be another addiction that I have picked up lately. Decided to take a break for some food, which I thought was a very good idea, anyway, I was perusing around the internet, as I do, when I found a posting saying that a company was looking for beta testers for a game. I decided to sign up, it isn't a paid position, but the game sounds really fun :D, plus I think it would look good on my CV. Show that I've done some 'voluntary' work in the industry aswell as paid. They start testing on the 2nd Feb, so I hope I get selected!

Then it was more dissertation work. More strong coffee. Had enough of writing so I did some texture work for Absence, making photos of brick walls tile, but I can't really tell if you can see the seams anymore or not. You know when you look at something for so long that you start not noticing things about it. That's how I am right now.

Then I got talking to Tom online. He asked me if I wanted to go on a little trip that him and some of the boys are planning. They are wanting to go backpacking around Europe for a couple of weeks this summer. Something along the lines of England to Latvia to Germany to Italy to Switzerland to Hungary to England. Now, as with most of the things we plan, I thought this was just a pipe dream, however, the cost of flights has been planned and also which cities we would be staying in and for how long...so I'm just a bit excited about that. I'll have to get a passport.

So, at the moment at least, the future seems exciting rather than scary. Woooooo.

Much stress? Yes.

Went over to uni today to hook up with the guys in the team, see what we had all done over the holidays. We're not doing too bad, but in the next three weeks we really need to crunch to get everything back on track...we only have about 2 months left before the game needs to be completely finished.

I need to do work on my dissertation too, I've left it a little late - I have four days to write about 5000 words and edit it. This is just a 'rough' draft though, so at least it doesn't have to be perfect.

I need to get on with that. Come on, open up Word.

I need to make some more machinery and general factory things for Absence.

I need to finish off the printer character.

I need to unwrap, texture, normal map, and rig all my models.

I need to finish off my CV, pipeline issues here cos I want to use some of the artwork that isn't finished yet.

I need to stop writing this.

Much stress.

Growing pains.

Yesterday I started writing out my CV. The future is approaching really quick and I don't think that I'm prepared at all. I still dunno whether to stay on at uni for another year and do my masters or to get a job. (try to get a job - 'get a job' sounded way too confident and self assured to be written by me)

I've signed up with a recruitment agency who for the past 15 years or so have been specializing in the type of work that I want, only thing is they want my CV which means that I have to write one. Scary. I've got a rough draft, which I'm more than likely to post up (not that anyone is interested I think, but more because I can kid myself that people are)

See, sometimes I can't wait to take my life in the direction that I want, but then other times I just can't summon the self belief or strength and I think that life isn't this big exciting thing, it's just like it is now, and has been. It's annoying.

Ordered a gift for one of my best friend's 21st birthday yesterday, but I have a suspicion that he may read this from time to time, so I won't say more. (Oi oi Phill btw if you're out there)

Going into Halifax now to get my dad a birthday present. I was torn between something he might like and something easy. I've gone for the easy option, cos in truth, I doubt he would like either of them that much. And I think this option has more ways to use it than the other. How cold does that sound. It isn't meant to. That's just the way things are and I don't think either of us particularly mind so much.

*edit* well, WH Smith don't do gift vouchers anymore, they now do these gift card credit card type things. That's sure to annoy/piss off my dad...so it isn't all bad haha. Think I'm becoming addicted to Subway sandwiches. Oh and blogging. Again.

You may say I'm a dreamer...

...but you would be wrong. I've never been one of those people who dreams a lot, or rather, if I do dream a lot, then I never remember those dreams. I'm in a funny mood today - I was awake till about 5am, so I'm feeling a little weird at the moment and Modest Mouse isn't bringing me back to earth all that quickly.

What I do remember though is that for years I've had two re-occurring dreams. Not the exact same dream over and over again, but the main content of the dream is always the same which just some slight changes in context. The first is the dream where you feel like you are falling. You know the feeling you get from jumping off a really high wall, or out of a really tall tree, or when the rollercoaster gets to the top of the climb and suddenly plummets downwards, or when you drive over the top of a hill too fast; that feeling you get when your stomach seems to fly up somewhere near your adam's apple. I feel like I'm falling and there's nothing I can do but endure the ride knowing that soon I'll hit whatever is at the bottom. Then I semi wake up and have to grab the mattress to make sure that it is still there. For the next couple of minutes my heart pounds and my breathing is heavy then I drift off to sleep again.

The second is a dream where I am being chased, either by something, or someone. I don't know why they are chasing me, and I don't know what they want to do if they catch me. Beat me up? Kill me? Who knows. But I am so scared of being caught, I feel like an animal being hunted. I can never stop and take a rest, I always have to keep moving, fast, and I always have to keep checking over my shoulder. Whenever I have this dream I always remember feeling a lot of stress in the dream. Luckily for me it always ends just before whoever catches me.

I tend to get these dreams at random, there doesn't appear to be a certain trigger for them, they occur at varying intervals, sometimes I get both in the same night, sometimes I get one and the other doesn't come for months. I can't think of a certain circumstance or feeling that triggers them, which seems odd to me.

Smoking kills available here.

"Say what again", "it's like WTF mate", time and a half in the taxi (£12 instead of £8), the booth in " 'spoons", lots of noise - noisy people shouting - there's no music and they are the only ones talking, so why shout?

"His was good, but not as good as mine", "his is just outta the blue, your's is kinda planned".

Can you believe it, a jazz and soul night, we never signed up for that, we were a day late in arriving (must read the flyer properly next time - must actually read the flyer next time).

"'Xcuse me, do you know Zoo Street?"
"Just turn left and twenty kilometers on there's club zero"

What the hell, we have to walk 20Km...what the hell. Follow some people, wrong place, ask the bouncer, he knows. How much of a menace was that skinhead, nice and friendly though. It's good to be friendly.

"It's kinda expensive to get in"
"How expensive is 'expensive'?"
"Twenty pounds"

Don't try and justify it, that is stupidly expensive. Thanks for paying me in mate, I do owe you one.

Think club chic. Dark brown leather sofa's, cream leather beds in one of the little rooms. Low ceilings. Downlighters. Uplighters. Subtle red glows from the back of the sofa's. Dark hardwood decking. Cream canvas sheets to keep the weather out. An outdoor bar. Blue LEDs set into the wooden floor. A £20 entry fee - payable upfront. Open until 6am. Funky house top floor. Mainstream ground floor. Indie downstairs. We stayed downstairs apart from the trip into the garden. And to the toilets hidden behind one of the spiral staircases. Complimentary boxes of matches and straws.

Sitting in the take away shop waiting for the taxi.

"Well it'll be warmer in here than out there".

The George Hotel, we'll be outside it in 30 seconds. Take us home. Just here will do.

"See you later mate".