Friday, May 30, 2008

I'm not a mind reader. I didn't know.

You know what, a part of me did admire you because you had the guts to go through with what you did, but part of me was, and is, so pissed off with you. You should of said something, it came as such a shock man, like no one was expecting it y'know. If you'd of said something maybe me or Matt or someone could of talked you out of it or made you change your mind or something.

I dunno though, would we actually have been able to say anything that would change your mind? I guess you didn't want us feeling guilty. I mean, if we'd tried and you'd done it anyway maybe we'd think it was our fault right? Maybe I think it's our fault anyway. But IM NOT FUCKING SUPERMAN, YOU DIDNT SAY ANYTHING AND I COULDNT READ YOUR MIND.

There's a lot of if's. If you'd said, if we'd kept out eyes open. I dunno man.

Makes me realise I've been neglecting a lot of people though. There's someone, and we'll call them Person A because I'm not sure they would want their name plastering all over the internet, that I used to be so close to, we've been through a lot together, but I've not really had time for them for, well, a long time now. And as silly as it sounds, I think I'm the only person that really knows Person A, like really knows them.

I'm going to try and change that. I'm going to Leeds Fest later this year, but they aren't, but there's still a whole summer to try and get back to how we used to be right?

Remember when we used to spend our evenings just chatting things over? That was fun, and I know we kinda pass each other now and again and exchange a little smile, but it's not how it was is it. Seriously though, I'm going to try and get back to knowing Person A.

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

My friend Dave

I had a friend called Dave. I'll always remember one night I was feeling down and he said some things and gave me some advice that really helped me out.

It was like he understood what was happening in my head, I think he probably did.

He jumped off the balcony of a tower block. I guess things just got to him. Some people might see that as a cowards way out, but Dave wasn't a coward. As weird as this sounds, I kinda admire him for what he did.

He didn't like the cards he had been dealt, and instead of just complaining about it like the rest of us, he actually had the guts to say 'I've had enough of this game' and quit. He didn't like his cards so he quit.

Just so you know, you're not forgotten mate. I think about all the stupid stuff we talked about. I think about how everything always seemed to break on your car.

I wish you were still around, dishing out some of that advice.

This ones for you, my friend.

Wednesday, May 14, 2008


So here I am, this is my 200th post.

11.40 pm on Thursday August 4th 2005 was my first post.

Nearly 3 years to make those 200 posts. There were times when I would write a lot, maybe every couple of days or so, and there have been times where I would struggle to write a post a month, but the fact is this blog, my blog, is still here. And that means that I am still here, still trying my best to do what I do worst.

I wont lie, there have been a lot of bad times, but there have also been a few good times too, so it may not be totally balanced out, but it's nearly there. Seems like I've come full circle in that time, my situation and mind frame both seem the same as they were back then. Back to even before I made that first post.

People have come, and gone. Some are never ever coming back, I hope that some are going to come back, and some I think might come back, but not as anyone expected.

I've grown up in this room, I've revised for my GCSE's in here, my A Levels, the exams in my BSc, and in my MSc. I've been happy in this room, I've been sad, I've laughed until it hurt, I've cried until it hurt, and I've hurt myself to make it all seem better. It never works in the long term though. I'm not even sure what it does in the short term, but when other people hurt you so much, that must show what kind of person you are. I guess it's a kind of punishment, something to say 'Hey, I know I'm the worst person alive, but look what I've done, maybe by doing it I can somehow join the ranks of the good people, just for a little while?'.

So, where will I be in the next 200? I think it will take me a while longer because I maybe went a little overboard to start with. So let's say 4 years from now. 2012. According to my life plan I should be married and in a good job by then.

See I do want to get married, and I don't want to be old while my kid(s) are still young, but at the same time I want to enjoy married life before they arrive, so I had figured if I got married about 24 or 25, have 5 years of married life, then start thinking about setting up a family.

For a long time I didn't really see that happening, but then there was a slight glimmer, you know that feeling where you think 'you know, maybe those plans aren't quite so far fetched after all'. They were far fetched. I'm back to not seeing them happen now, and part of me is obviously disappointed, but part of me is so angry for letting myself think that they might happen.

So lets see where we are in 2012. Lets see if I've managed to come full circle again, or whether this time, things actually go my way.

For the people who have ever left a comment here, thank you. It takes time and effort to read what I write and even more to type out a reply, more time or effort than I deserve, so thank you.

For anyone who has ever read this blog, thank you to you. I doubt I have any regular readers, but maybe one or two people stumble across this when they are looking for something else. Either way, thank you for stopping by. Thank you for listening to the things on my mind.

I hope you can think 'well at least I'm not as bad as that kid'.

I guess that's just about everything. Here's to the next 200. Maybe I will get there, or maybe things will get to me before I get there.

Take care of each other. Try to make each other happy. Work seems to dominate everything, and it's easy to forget, but people are the most important things in your life. Spend more time with your husband or wife, boyfriend or girlfriend. Take the time to call that old friend who you haven't seen for months. Cancel a meeting so you can watch your kid play sports, or take part in the school play.

Just for God's sake whatever you do, don't sit alone in a room, fantasizing about things you don't have the guts to go through with.

Enjoy the sun, and wind and rain and snow. Make the most of everything, and once in a while, maybe spare me a thought and wonder what that kid with the blog is doing right now, or how he's feeling.

Sunday, May 11, 2008

Last night felt as though the whole world was floating, and I was just letting is wash over me. It was bliss. I'm hoping to experience the same tonight.

It definately feels like change is in the air, for many things. Someone said that change is never easy to accept, but it's nearly always for the best.

I've been thinking about what's going to happen later this year. I think I might like to work in Paris. I'd retrace our steps and pretend everything was ok. Or Germany, I'd like to go back there.

Somewhere out of sigh and out of mind, where I can disappear from people's thoughts and memories until they realise one day that they haven't heard from me in years. But I won't be there any longer and no one will be able to reach me.

I lost my Dad some time ago. But at least he went while he was still pretty young. I think I'd like to be the same. I don't want to be a lonely old man sitting in an empty room just waiting the days out.

I either want to be the happiest I've ever been, or I want to wallow in depression. I can't seem to manage to find a steady middle ground, and any time I do my self destructive stream seams to emerge. You've either got it all or you've got nothing, right? It's not a bad way to think about things, at least it's honest.

None of the men in my family seem to have much luck getting past 75. I figure I'm probably already a third of the way though, if not more. Maybe that's a defeatist attitude, but thats the way I'm looking at things right now.

Good night, god bless


Friday, May 09, 2008

i deleted what i wrote

no one needs to read that

Sunday, May 04, 2008