September, holidays, MSN and other bits

It's been a strange, yet good, week so far. I logged on to MSN on Monday night and got messaged by a friend asking if I fancied going away in September. They'd decided it would be a good idea over the weekend and were going to look for a last minute deal thing. I said it would be good.

I logged on to MSN on Tuesday night and joined a convo with a group of friends, over the next few hours we book and pay for the flights and accomodation. Seems kinda crazy to go from knowing nothing about a trip, to being booked in and paid for within 48 hours, but hell, spontaneous can be good sometimes.

So yeah, a group of 6 of us are going in September. We fly from Liverpool, and one of my friends is at uni down there, so we are gonna go down a few days before the flight and just chill at his place, make a nice little trip out of it.

It's going to be so good, I really really cant wait. Had a bit of a scary moment where I couldn't remember what I'd done with my passport after getting back from Paris, but I found it, so I'm good to go :D

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August is also a busy time for me, first weekend I'm away and the last week I'm away too, so I really need to start getting stuff organised for that.

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I read a little proverb thing the other day that said that 'in life, the journey is more important than the destination'. I'm not sure how I feel about that. I kinda like that feeling of security you get from being where you are. Contentment I guess. But maybe what I thought were destinations weren't, maybe they were just like serive areas where you can stop a while, have some over priced junk food and use a dirty toilet before carrying on again? Like I said, I'm not sure how I feel about that yet.

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Haven't spoken to L again yet. I want to, but last time I got very weird and I think if I do that too often it's just going to wreck things, and occasional friends is better than nothing right? I guess really what I was trying to get across was that I wanted her to be happy (I know I don't really have to be bothered any more, but I want her to be happy, so I still am bothered y'know) anyway, I think she is. I hope things between her and her new guy are going well. From what I gathered it sounded like she really liked him so I really do hope it works out.

I think just maybe I shouldn't tell her because I will just get all weird. I tend to do that quite easy haha.

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I've been talking to someone who I used to know lately. She's invited me round a couple of times, but I'm not sure what to do. It'd be cool to see her again and just go out for the day like we used to, but I don't want it to bring all that stuff up again. We seem to get on better this time though and things would be different because I think we've both changed quite a bit.

I dunno, might just play it by ear for a while still and see how it all works out.

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So there we go, up to date with my week so far. I've been thinking about a few things that I want to write about, but I'll do that later. I think it's important enough to get a dedicated post rather than one of these hotch-potch ones.

Hotch-potch sounds like a nice phrase.

The reason I do what I do.

Lately I've slipped into a couple of bad habits. One is an old habit that I've sort of come back to, the other is relatively new. Both of them are kind of damaging to me. The first is damaging to my physical health. The second is damaging to my...none physical health - I don't know whether I should class that as my mental health, spiritual health, or emotional health. Maybe it's all of those. Here's why I do what I do.

The old, old, old habit.

This came about from a conversation I had with D'rel almost 10 years ago one morning during a slow Graphics lesson. I don't remember how the topic started, but it was something to pass the time, and it intrigued me. From then on, I did this fairly regularly. It gave me a lot of good times, and it took me to a few places that I would ordinarily not have been, and it let me meet a few people who I would ordinarily not have met.

I ended up taking a few silly risks, of course at the time they didn't seem like risks, that's why I took them, but looking back it's crazy how bad things could have been if those risks hadn't payed off. But they did pay off. Thankfully.

Without sounding big headed, I'm smart. Smart enough to do something for 10 years and never get caught. Smart enough to do something for 10 years and not even have any questions raised. I'm playing a psychological game, and I'm winning. The thing is, only I know I'm winning. But I can live with that. Of course a few people know, most of my friends. Some other people. Quite a lot of people don't know.

It was mostly totally positive. I say mostly, because there was really only one time that was negative. I ended up collapsing and needed to be carried by a couple of friends to somewhere safe. I felt like I was going to die.

I didn't die, but I gave myself a break from it. Just time to chill out for a bit. I got wrapped up in life, as many people do, and the break turned into something more long term. It seemed like it was just easier to not do it, it required less effort, and I'm quite lazy most of the time, so I just kept on not doing it. Probably for about 2 years or so.

Lately I've started up again. I don't feel bad for going back to it. I wanted to. I do it because I like it. Because it makes me feel good, and because I want to.

The newish habit.

This one is a bit more of a mystery. I don't really know why I do it. It doesn't make me feel better. In fact it makes me feel horrible. It puts me off food, and has made me lose quite a lot of weight. I guess it's curiosity really. But curiosity killed the cat; of my 9 lives I reckon I've used up at least 14. Once people get burnt by fire they tend not to touch it again, I'm not like that though. It's become part of routine, and it's a routine that I need to break because it's no good. No good at all.


So there you have it. Everyone has their vices. It's not something to be proud of really, but the only person I'm having an effect on is myself, so it's not too bad. I shouldn't get punished for that. The old, old, old habit I think I will keep. I'll be honest I enjoy it. Don't get habit confused with addiction though. Things could work out one way and I'll never do it again. I'd be happy with that. Things may work out a different way and I'll keep coming back to it now and again. I'd be happy with that too. Maybe I'll get to the point where I decide to break it once and for all. But I'm certainly not there yet. I might never be. But that's for the future to decide.

The newish habit really only has an effect on me too, so again, I shouldn't get punished for that. It's not nice though, and I think I'm getting close to the part where I can say I'm stopping it. A time will come when I can just leave it to pass under the bridge. I should let nature take it's course.

Flow on river, flow on.

it was nice

yeah it was nice to speak to you again


like i said, i hope he makes you happy. you deserve it. :)

id like it how it was

well today wasn't quite what it had the potential to be. but it's just one of those things. i said i was going to try and look at it in a positive way: there's no real reason for it that i could have changed, that's just the way it played out. it was a coin flip. and over the long run you will always get around about the same number of heads as tails. win some. lose some. no big deal.

don't get me wrong it still wasn't a bad day. im no worse off than last week, so it can't be that bad. what i really wanted to say was that i think i'd like it to go back how it was. seems weird being so disconnected.

i also figure L has found someone else now. i hope he makes her happy, she deserves that after putting up with my shit for so long. we've not talked for ages either...seems to be something of a pattern forming here right? although i think this one was my fault.

i hope they are good together, and i hope he realises how lucky he is.

it's cutting it

it's cutting it a bit fine. (when live's could be on the line)




ok no lives are on the line. i just thought it sounded a bit more dramatic (doo doooo dooooooooo)

bambi number 25

"Life's what you make it, celebrate it, anticipate it, yesterday's faded"

it's an interesting concept.

so the bar maid with blue hair was really fun, its just a shame she cut herself. its an even greater shame we all started singing 'the first cut is the deepest'. ahh well. it was a good idea at the time. love cat stevens. he was a sexy fucker.

being monday the week has started well. thursday may or may not be totally excellent. only a couple of weeks till me weekend away :D

been invited down to torquay the same week, dont think i can afford it though. FP isnt doing THAT well...yet. and i have just spend a lot of money. must ring Kayleigh and sort some shit out.

my sensitivity to alcohol continues....it makes for a cheap night. and interesting conversations with people i dont remember.

i explained my 'friends are like the ocean beacause...' concept to someone the other night.


puls fm is pretty damn good right now.

a bit of this, bit of that

nothing really substantial enough to write a whole post about:

i actually laughed when i heard that. at first i though i had mis-heard. but i hadn't. it really does amaze me that you could say that...and mean it!

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last night was so good, im really glad i decided to go

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should be getting tyres put on my new wheels tomorrow so i can get them fitted woop :D

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i think lis did well on her music exam, so i'm pleased for her

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i want to go back to the pub we were at last week, it was ace

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going away for the weekend soon. hotel is all booked and sorted and apparently there's a really nice pub close by that does great food, so we should be sorted for a meal once we've unpacked. can't wait.

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cheeky vimto is expensive, but sooooo nice.

update to all things pass into the night

better add another day onto the count. i'm even contemplating a tattoo because of this song. that's pretty heavy for me. maybe it's part of the new me? maybe i'm just thinking life's too short to wonder 'what if'? i dunno.

packages arrived today. really really excited :D

after further research, i say further research, what i actually mean is spending a couple of minutes on google, i have not found any mention of a cocktail containing southern comfort and lucozade so i am claiming it, and all ip rights as mine. just need to think up an obscure and exotic name for it now.

so i did actually ask. and fuck yeah, was a good result :D hoooooyaaaar. just shows that sometimes the coin will land the right side up. its a nice change, and a fantastic end to the week.

bring on next week, im ready for it lol!

all things pass into the night

ok, so i've been listening to goodbye horses none stop for what, the last 3 or 4 days now...i'm not sure it's healthy lol

i've just spent more money that i probably should of done on some more wheels, but FP is doing quite well at the moment, i'm thinking about turning it into a full time thing

i think i might of just invented a new drink. southern comfort and lucozade. it's actually nicer than it sounds. and pretty strong :D

i think i might ask. well im thinking about it, but i think i actually might. whats the worse that can happen?