The reason I do what I do.

Lately I've slipped into a couple of bad habits. One is an old habit that I've sort of come back to, the other is relatively new. Both of them are kind of damaging to me. The first is damaging to my physical health. The second is damaging to my...none physical health - I don't know whether I should class that as my mental health, spiritual health, or emotional health. Maybe it's all of those. Here's why I do what I do.

The old, old, old habit.

This came about from a conversation I had with D'rel almost 10 years ago one morning during a slow Graphics lesson. I don't remember how the topic started, but it was something to pass the time, and it intrigued me. From then on, I did this fairly regularly. It gave me a lot of good times, and it took me to a few places that I would ordinarily not have been, and it let me meet a few people who I would ordinarily not have met.

I ended up taking a few silly risks, of course at the time they didn't seem like risks, that's why I took them, but looking back it's crazy how bad things could have been if those risks hadn't payed off. But they did pay off. Thankfully.

Without sounding big headed, I'm smart. Smart enough to do something for 10 years and never get caught. Smart enough to do something for 10 years and not even have any questions raised. I'm playing a psychological game, and I'm winning. The thing is, only I know I'm winning. But I can live with that. Of course a few people know, most of my friends. Some other people. Quite a lot of people don't know.

It was mostly totally positive. I say mostly, because there was really only one time that was negative. I ended up collapsing and needed to be carried by a couple of friends to somewhere safe. I felt like I was going to die.

I didn't die, but I gave myself a break from it. Just time to chill out for a bit. I got wrapped up in life, as many people do, and the break turned into something more long term. It seemed like it was just easier to not do it, it required less effort, and I'm quite lazy most of the time, so I just kept on not doing it. Probably for about 2 years or so.

Lately I've started up again. I don't feel bad for going back to it. I wanted to. I do it because I like it. Because it makes me feel good, and because I want to.

The newish habit.

This one is a bit more of a mystery. I don't really know why I do it. It doesn't make me feel better. In fact it makes me feel horrible. It puts me off food, and has made me lose quite a lot of weight. I guess it's curiosity really. But curiosity killed the cat; of my 9 lives I reckon I've used up at least 14. Once people get burnt by fire they tend not to touch it again, I'm not like that though. It's become part of routine, and it's a routine that I need to break because it's no good. No good at all.


So there you have it. Everyone has their vices. It's not something to be proud of really, but the only person I'm having an effect on is myself, so it's not too bad. I shouldn't get punished for that. The old, old, old habit I think I will keep. I'll be honest I enjoy it. Don't get habit confused with addiction though. Things could work out one way and I'll never do it again. I'd be happy with that. Things may work out a different way and I'll keep coming back to it now and again. I'd be happy with that too. Maybe I'll get to the point where I decide to break it once and for all. But I'm certainly not there yet. I might never be. But that's for the future to decide.

The newish habit really only has an effect on me too, so again, I shouldn't get punished for that. It's not nice though, and I think I'm getting close to the part where I can say I'm stopping it. A time will come when I can just leave it to pass under the bridge. I should let nature take it's course.

Flow on river, flow on.