need to find a more productive way, this one really isnt working.

those people aren't coming back - no matter what i say or do. that leaves me feeling helpless, and i don't like that because i don't understand it. i've always liked knowing how things work.

when i was young i used to have a box full of old radios and telephones that i would carefully take apart on a sunday morning so that i could see exactly what made them work.

i know how to fit a cd player into a car, how to fit speakers and a mini disk changer. i know how to change parts of an engine. i know how to build computers. i know how to make websites. i know why continuation betting works. i know how to do quite a lot of tricks on a skateboard. i know how to play a few songs on my harmonica. i know quite a lot of things, but i don't know why they had to go. thisleads me to believe that i did something wrong, or that i didn't do something that i should of done.

(i write 'of' instead of 'have' because that's the way i talk, and this isn't being handed in to be marked. its a colloquialism)

drinking a lot of coffee lately. it always make me feel sleepy, even though caffeine is meant to perk you up. i very rarely get high. im more inclined to sit in a corner and melt into the furniture. i've always been like that, i guess that's just the way i am. i like it though. its peaceful and introspective.

lately i've been:

irritable
forgetful
lethargic
nauseous

i'm not too keen on going into buildings that ive never been in before. i'm not very good at orientating myself, and i tend to easily get lost. i've walked down the wrong corridor or been unable to find the right room a lot of times. i can't figure out my location in relation to the entrance or to the stairs too well. that's something that i'm not very good at. there are quite a lot of things that i'm not very good at.

i'm not good at moving on. i don't like the idea of embracing the future because it seems so bleak.

bleak seems a bleak word. why would anyone rush towards that? it's only one letter away from break - and that word has a lot of negative connotations associated with it. it's like going outside when it's raining. i want to stay dry so i'm going to stay inside until the last moment when i absolutely desperately have to go outside.

i think that if you open up then it's like giving away a little piece of yourself that you are never going to get back. if you do this enough then eventually you get to the point where the amount that you have given away exceeds the amount that you have left. it leads to there not being enough structural strength to support yourself and you collapse under your own weight.

just so you know im not going to come. i feel like i should but i really dont want to have to stand there - it makes it seem more real, in a way i guess, when i have to be there face to face. literally.

such an excellent saboteur. if ever i held a grudge against someone i could be dangerous. i just wish it wasn't all so self directed.

i know exactly why and there's not a damn thing i can do about it

i was wondering if it was worth it. i'm not sure if something is intrinsically valuable, or whether it only has whatever value anyone decides to give it. sort of like monetary value -vs- sentimental value. i think i want it to be worth it, but i'm not sure if that's enough. i'm not even sure that i really do want it to be worth it. i'm also wondering if the element of doubt means that it isn't worth it? bah.

i think i should stop questioning these things, because sooner or later i'm going to arrive at an answer.

and i wouldn't want that.

it's all very easy to make assumptions, isn't it?

kind of running on empty lately. also doing an excellent job of pushing away the people i shouldnt push away.