if i was a better person she would still like me. but im not. and she doesn't.

im counting today as a week because i think today was when we were both sure that it wasn't ok. well maybe it was just me who took a long time to realise.

i hope she's been ok. i hope she's happier. i think she probably will be. and that's important.

kind of a long way down

crawled out the window on the fourteenth floor.
said, "i don't know," then didn't say anymore.
she used the window instead of the door.
now i'm alone up on the fourteenth floor.
but i'm not high. i'm not high.
she said good-bye, and i don't know why.

its nicer being nice

it wasnt nice. she'd had a bad day at work and i was my usual cuntish self and it ended up in being horrible to each other. i shouldnt of got so pissed off, its just i have a short temper at the best of times, and ive only been getting about 3 hours sleep a night.

im one of those people that need at least 7 or 8 to even function like a normal person. so i should of stayed calm, but i just couldnt help myself.

another reason to add to my 'why im a bad person' list, ive got so many reasons now, maybe ill post them up sometime.

it wasnt nice being horrible to each other.

it is nice being nice to each other though, so thats good. it was actually really fun. really really fun.

i hope the being nice thing lasts, because its so much better than being horrible.

i should have been a lot more grateful.

to be honest i cant blame her. i admire her for sticking it out as long as she did. but at the end of the day we all have to cut our losses at somepoint. i cant blame her.

i might sound sarcastic, but i hope she's happier. i really do. with all the sincerity that i can convey through typed words. no one has a perfect life right, but she deserves so much, so i hope she can find that. i think really i should apologise for taking up so much of her attention for so long.

but its nice to be nice to each other and i dont want to piss her off again like i did before.

so for once im going to keep my fucking stupid mouth shut. if i dont say anything i cant fuck things up any worse than they aready are right? that's what im hoping anway.

knowing me though no doubt i will find a way.

question time

i have things to say to you, things to ask you. but they can wait. now isn't the right time, we need time - and thats what i struggle with, i'm no good at being patient, and that makes me come across as clingy and pushy.

but i will ask you because i need to, and i think you need to answer too. i think it will be good for both of us. but i just need to make myself wait.

i didnt go to uni today because i didnt sleep last night. i just had things running through my head and i didn't like it.

you can tell you're a worthless piece of shit

you can easily tell when you're a worthless piece of shit when you love someone, but it isn't enough

it looks bad

it looks bad, it looks like the end of the best part of my life is near at hand, and there doesn't seem much i can do to stop it

im going to fight though, im going to fight for it because i believe in it, i think that something so right for so long cant just change to being wrong. i think that no matter what it is, it can be worked out, given time.

all we need is time. and talking.

so how does this work

if you are the person i spoke to on the phone tonight then please dont read this



























so let me get this straight

you hit me with this shit totally out of the blue with no warnings

and

somehow its my fault i want to sort it out?

how does that work?

im back from france and im drunk



thanks