I stood by somebody else and then I stood by you 
I couldn't move my legs, I didn't know what to do 
I fail to find the words, I try hard to be cool 
I die to hear your voice, it's smoothly ringing in the room
 
I see you a surgeon in the looks, what could you possibly see in me? 
I lost the job I had, who picked me up when I'm more in doubt 
I'll let you cut me up, I know you hate to see me bleed 
Is it the color of my blood or me incomplete?






18, they had it out for us and we were always set for a fall  
You saved 1979, to me it was the end of the world 
Yeah, right, we're safe, we're cool 
I know you always wanted more 
Pick me, we're so clean, we'll wake up when the worst is over
 
Did I tell you I was premature? I'm not fit to follow rules 
I always fuck things up, I guess that makes life more interesting  
You think that I'm absurd, well certainly with you 
I am absolutely assured I am ill conceived


18, they had it out for us and we were always set for a fall  
You saved 1979, to me it was the end of the world  
Yeah, right, we're safe, we're cool 
I know you always wanted more 
Pick me, we're so clean, we'll wake up when the worst is over
 
There is always something wrong but I need to see it through 
I don't mean to be obsessed, I don't need to be amused 
I can't stand to be a stain that needs to be removed 
If I sacrificed myself then I'd know I never knew you
 
18, they had it out for us and we were always set for a fall  
You saved 1979, to me it was the end of the world  
Yeah, right, we're safe, we're cool  
And we were always set for a fall, always set for a fall
 
18, they had it out for us, 18, they had it out for us 
I know you always wanted more  
Pick me, we're so clean, we'll wake up when the worst is over  
Take me, steering wheel, to the cliff now we're going over 
Kiss me, kiss and bleed, we'll wake up now, the worst is over


-gob 18

i dont believe its down to blind luck; any numbers game, given enough time, will even itself out so i think it would be unreasonable to put it down to a run of bad luck. i think it would take effort to actually manage to be that bad over a period of time. a simple unlucky streak would not run that long, or as consistently. unless you are roy sullivan, who, incidentally, i have a huge amount of respect for. roy sullivan had fucking guts. roy sullivan had grit. it seems to be he understood what it was all about.

i dont get how it seems so effortless. maybe it is though? maybe it's like a life skill that you learn at an early age, and so by now it is effortless. maybe i just never learnt it. it certainly seems that way at least. there is definitely a major flaw but i'm not sure that i can fix it. i think i might have given up. written it all off as a bad job. there are things you are never going to be any good at, maybe that is one of them.

don't ever have dreams. fuck dreams. and don't ever rely on anyone. anyone. they will let you down; but not as much as you will let yourself down. that feeling is back, where i lie down and feels like someone has parked a car on my chest. it's so heavy pressing down. haven't been down that path for a while (more through circumstance than conscious choice), looks like i'm heading that way again. will be nice. :)

feels like all the good work has gone to waste.

fuck you.

cunt.