i dont believe its down to blind luck; any numbers game, given enough time, will even itself out so i think it would be unreasonable to put it down to a run of bad luck. i think it would take effort to actually manage to be that bad over a period of time. a simple unlucky streak would not run that long, or as consistently. unless you are roy sullivan, who, incidentally, i have a huge amount of respect for. roy sullivan had fucking guts. roy sullivan had grit. it seems to be he understood what it was all about.

i dont get how it seems so effortless. maybe it is though? maybe it's like a life skill that you learn at an early age, and so by now it is effortless. maybe i just never learnt it. it certainly seems that way at least. there is definitely a major flaw but i'm not sure that i can fix it. i think i might have given up. written it all off as a bad job. there are things you are never going to be any good at, maybe that is one of them.

don't ever have dreams. fuck dreams. and don't ever rely on anyone. anyone. they will let you down; but not as much as you will let yourself down. that feeling is back, where i lie down and feels like someone has parked a car on my chest. it's so heavy pressing down. haven't been down that path for a while (more through circumstance than conscious choice), looks like i'm heading that way again. will be nice. :)