so then.



i am 30 now.


how the heck did that happen



still feel like i should be 19, or in one of bukowski's bad dreams.



i've been taking stock/ judging by past form of the male members of my family i am now past middle age. i honestly don't think i mind.

i will admit things havent panned out how i imagined. at all. while id like to think im mostly to blame i dont think that is quite true, is it?






14 years ago i sat in the same place and it felt llike i had so much infornt of me. now i sit in the same place adn it feels l;ike whatever was in front has long since passed/past/.

just so you know, it, i check ytour blog regulary. it is almost 4 years since your last post. i dont think you are comong back.

still listening to less than nothing. 11 years after teh fact. please if you havent, please, listen. it is worth it, i promise you.




i thought youd be, be there, for me, you werent there, you werent anywhere, you lied right to my face you broke my fucking heart one day, one day you tore my heart apart well i am nothing





so i wish you had grown
while i bleed all alone





/and other, such things

Am sat listening to a cd and thinking about lauren. How you used to be.



I think i still love you, sweetpea.








X

be a user, not an abuser.

i sabotaged myself with Rachael.

i sabotaged myself with Pheeb.

i sabotaged myself with Laura.

i sabotaged myself with Lauren.

i sabotaged myself with Lauren.

i sabotaged myself with Charlotte.

i sabotaged myself with Heather.


there is a recurring pattern in my behaviour. i tried my best to get in the way of letting you be the one that got away - but i did not do a very good job.

i miss the way you were. i'm not sure i would recognise you today. so i keep who you were in my head. and think about you endlessly.

had a dream the other night about the girl at work i have a thing for. in my dream we broke up. even though we've never been on a date.

heh










(i wrote you out a long letter but then i deleted it; it was for the best)

took delivery of hair clippers today