Into the light?
So.
Feels like a long time since I've written anything, or even thought about writing anything, and that feels somewhat strange. I think my blog's been a close ally for the past *however long it's been*. A year and a half or so I think? Anyway, lately we seem to be almost perfect strangers. And that is kinda scary. It's like the old married couple who must of been close once, but now sleep in separate beds and only stay together because each of them is too scared to strike out a fresh start. In times of uncertainty you need to stick to what you know, and all that.
Which I think kind of sums up how I am feeling at the moment, definitely in a period of transition, probably being too over cautious and not daring enough. I should probably stop myself being like that, but in times of uncertainty...
I've just got back from a weekend away with L, which was a really amazing time. I think maybe I could tell it would be a good few days from driving down. There were green blurs at either side of me, and I was listening to Explosions in the Sky as the Sun slowly set. I know, I know, it sounds all cliched and cornball cheesy, but that's just the kinda thing that tends to pull at my heart strings. Perhaps it was a sign that all would go well? Perhaps that's what made me decide that all would go well?
I felt like a real live person again. I didn't feel self conscious, and I actually happily held my head up high. I usually tend to keep a low gaze, looking (longing) for any large holes to swallow me up in blackness. Maybe I'm not looking for a hole any more.
I'm surprised L managed to put up with me for a weekend, but the time did seem to fly by sadly. It's amazing how fast it went actually, and it's amazing how slowly the days since have seemed to drag.
This all leaves me in somewhat of a no man's land. At the moment I'm trapped between who I was/could be and who I have been for the past years. I think I might be ready to cut loose the albatross around my neck, although (and this is the scary part) part of me wants to keep hold of it. I think you can become so used to something, that no matter how hard you try, it's very difficult to let go.
If the past few months have taught me anything it's that we can't see around corners, so why am I 'restraining' myself. Surely I should throw down all the defenses I had put up and just embrace? They are like castle walls though, and it will be a long time before they are completely worn away. But every journey starts with a single step right?
Once you make that first step the rest is easy. Each step takes you further and further away, but that doesn't matter because you were already heading in that direction anyway, but it's just having the guts to take that first step, to start the ball rolling. Or maybe it's having the strength to ignore your brain for long enough to take it. Is there a difference between being brave and not listening to your head?
Even though it doesn't sound it, I think I am actually hopeful about things now, more so than I have been for some time. I just don't want to jump into things too quickly. I should be diving into the deepest pool from the highest diving board, but instead I am slowly wading from the shallow end. Maybe that's my nature though. Too sensible for my own good sometimes methinks.
Had a feeling of anxiety/panic most of the day, but I think I may have found a solution to that. I think I need to take control and not be afraid what others think, I think I need to do what I want to do, rather than do what I think others expect me to do.
So how's that for a long rambling return. Lol, even my posts might be getting back to how they used to be :P
Feels like a long time since I've written anything, or even thought about writing anything, and that feels somewhat strange. I think my blog's been a close ally for the past *however long it's been*. A year and a half or so I think? Anyway, lately we seem to be almost perfect strangers. And that is kinda scary. It's like the old married couple who must of been close once, but now sleep in separate beds and only stay together because each of them is too scared to strike out a fresh start. In times of uncertainty you need to stick to what you know, and all that.
Which I think kind of sums up how I am feeling at the moment, definitely in a period of transition, probably being too over cautious and not daring enough. I should probably stop myself being like that, but in times of uncertainty...
I've just got back from a weekend away with L, which was a really amazing time. I think maybe I could tell it would be a good few days from driving down. There were green blurs at either side of me, and I was listening to Explosions in the Sky as the Sun slowly set. I know, I know, it sounds all cliched and cornball cheesy, but that's just the kinda thing that tends to pull at my heart strings. Perhaps it was a sign that all would go well? Perhaps that's what made me decide that all would go well?
I felt like a real live person again. I didn't feel self conscious, and I actually happily held my head up high. I usually tend to keep a low gaze, looking (longing) for any large holes to swallow me up in blackness. Maybe I'm not looking for a hole any more.
I'm surprised L managed to put up with me for a weekend, but the time did seem to fly by sadly. It's amazing how fast it went actually, and it's amazing how slowly the days since have seemed to drag.
This all leaves me in somewhat of a no man's land. At the moment I'm trapped between who I was/could be and who I have been for the past years. I think I might be ready to cut loose the albatross around my neck, although (and this is the scary part) part of me wants to keep hold of it. I think you can become so used to something, that no matter how hard you try, it's very difficult to let go.
If the past few months have taught me anything it's that we can't see around corners, so why am I 'restraining' myself. Surely I should throw down all the defenses I had put up and just embrace? They are like castle walls though, and it will be a long time before they are completely worn away. But every journey starts with a single step right?
Once you make that first step the rest is easy. Each step takes you further and further away, but that doesn't matter because you were already heading in that direction anyway, but it's just having the guts to take that first step, to start the ball rolling. Or maybe it's having the strength to ignore your brain for long enough to take it. Is there a difference between being brave and not listening to your head?
Even though it doesn't sound it, I think I am actually hopeful about things now, more so than I have been for some time. I just don't want to jump into things too quickly. I should be diving into the deepest pool from the highest diving board, but instead I am slowly wading from the shallow end. Maybe that's my nature though. Too sensible for my own good sometimes methinks.
Had a feeling of anxiety/panic most of the day, but I think I may have found a solution to that. I think I need to take control and not be afraid what others think, I think I need to do what I want to do, rather than do what I think others expect me to do.
So how's that for a long rambling return. Lol, even my posts might be getting back to how they used to be :P
posted by pruvaloo at 5:26 PM
3 Comments:
Love ya so much. Glad that you're back. And every word except for the bit about L (who's this mysterious L eh?) is so true because that's exactly what I've discovered at the ripe old age of ...never mind. :)
But yes, do what you 'want to do' and not what you think others 'expect you to do' and that way if nothing else you'll be at peace and that's far better than being happy. Methinks they go hand in hand.
Thank you, thank you :D feels good to be back. How on Earth did I manage so long out in the wild world without my blog? So glad it was still there waiting for me like a faithful family dog.
I think you are right about them going hand in hand, and I also think that I will try harder to achieve both those things.
As for the mysterious L...well she is the new young lady of my life. First met her about 5 months ago, but we've only just moved on from 'just friends' ;)
Am happy for you. And you'll get a mention in my blog anytime kiddo, as long as you write something that touches a chord within me.
Keep writing. And all the best with L. L also stands for love :)
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